Lyrics
Whenever you're in need or just feeling down
Remember that I'm probably on tour in a different town
If you're in a bind or feeling against a wall
Please don't make me one of the first people that you call
And I mean this very sincere-ioushly
Don't count on me
'Cause I'm the worst
If I'm there it'll be a surprise
To so many other friends that I'd call first
It's not that I don't care
I just don't care very much
Because I'm either on the spectrum or just plain out of touch
That's who I am
That's what I do
I could change if I wanted to
But I don't
But if you really (but if you really)
Need someone to count on (need someone to count on)
To bring you stress
To extinguish happiness
And anxiety and duress
You can always count on me
'Cause I'm chalant, I'm inspiteful
I am bendable, anti-pliable
I'm a cockroach in a salad
I'm in invalid, not invalid
I'm an empty diary
As useful as a college degree
I put the 'emo' in chemotherapy
So if you ever really need some one to be there
Don't count on me
I'm just a clown
I'm gonna wind you up
I'm gonna cheer you down
I made the choice to accept what people think of me
I'll be your whipping boy or your friendly effigy
I'll even go down for the count
Down count on me
I don't
I was born in the beginning so I won't be there in the end
So feel free to call me friendly
Just please don't call me friend
After 30 years I'm still the new guy
Sometimes guitaring feels like work
When I feel like Chekhov or Sulu
And Fatty's Captain Kirk
I think he's the punk rock William Shatner
I can see the similarity
His clothes are too tight
He's out of touch and lacks sensitivity
Don't look at me like you're in shock
Smelly is our Richard
He sure ain't Mr Spock
And Melvin is a Klingon
Look they got the same shaped face
And I'm Sorry to tell you, Jefe
But in the future there's still no Mexicans in space
So don't count on me
Cause I couldn't be prouder the coke I shared with you
Was just crank and baby powder
Just like Cokie The Clown
I'm gonna wind you up, I'm gonna cheer you down
Cause this is what I consider fun
Making you think the summer's already done
So don't count on me
Don't count on me